- "rocd", "relationship substantiation", "relationship ocd", or some other such permutation.
- "am I in love with my girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife" or some other general search involving the "realness" of your feelings for someone important to you.
If you've come here via the first route, then you probably already stopped by Dr. Philipson's article and thus have a solid working definition. If you came via the second route (or otherwise missed over the aforementioned article), then this post will help to fill you on what may be the cause of your worries and doubts.
Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (hereafter referred to as ROCD) is an informal term for a specific flavor of OCD that centers on doubts concerning the reality of one's feelings for one or more important others. I say that ROCD is an "informal term" because the guidebook of psychiatric diagnosis, the DSM IV, doesn't differentiate between different forms of OCD based on their subject. So you wouldn't be likely to be diagnosed with ROCD anymore than you would to be diagnosed with "Germ OCD" or "Counting OCD". Still, for those who suffer form a particular form of the disorder, seeing their symptoms grouped and labeled can help to alleviate the sense of isolation and fear that such symptoms can bring.
This seems to be true of ROCD more so that probably any other flavor of the disorder (except, perhaps, the distinct but often related phenomenon of HOCD, which, though not the main focus of this blog, will be given due attention in time). Usually, ROCD is talked about in conjunction with romantic relationships, although one could theoretically experience similar doubts in relation to anyone toward whom you do (or think you should) feel love or affection. ROCD typically manifests itself as baseless doubts about the reality of one's previously unquestioned love for another, undue fixation on minor flaws that were previously unnoticed or rightly observed to be irrelevant, uncertainty as to whether the person you are with is "the one", and a near constant state of checking for confirmation of one's feelings.
Like most forms of OCD, ROCD tends to revolve around "spikes", or periods of intense anxiety set off by some stimulus in the environment. A typical ROCD spike might go something like this: You're hanging out with your fiance', having a good time, when you lean in for a kiss. After the kiss, you exchange "I love you". Then the spike hits: do I really love her? What if I'm lying to her? Did I really enjoy that kiss? How can I know for sure? In the wake of the spike, the ROCD suffer will place the rest of the interaction under the microscope, looking for evidence to invalidate their doubts. The reaction to every kiss will be examined, gauged, and compared to past kisses (Was this as good as it used to be? What if we're falling out of love?) and/or some ideal of what a kiss should be (Did that kiss make me feel like he kiss of true love is supposed to? What if it didn't?). Jokes and laughs will be evaluated (Did I really think what she said was funny? Was I just laughing because I'm supposed to?), and minor flaws will be attended to as though they were grave offenses (She said she was going to make us tea, but then she got on her laptop. If she loved me, wouldn't she have gotten me tea?).
Spikes can also occur in the absence of one's significant other. The sufferer may find his or herself analyzing how much they miss their partner when they are not with them in order to determine if they are sufficiently distraught, and feelings of contentment or enjoyment in the absence of one's partner may be interpreted as evidence that their love for their partner is absent or insufficient to justify a committed relationship.
It's not hard to see how such spikes, accumulated over time, can lead to an incredible amount of torment for the one experiencing them. Often, those who suffer from ROCD will enjoy the company of their significant other and, on some level, know they are in love with them. However, the constant barrage of what if's and doubts will not abate. This is a common factor of all forms of OCD: those who are obsessed with germs cannot dispel the thought that a stranger's hand may be crawling with lethal pathogens, those obsessed with the idea that they may have hit someone with their car cannot stop themselves from worrying about this possibility, and those who experience images of inappropriate violent or sexual acts cannot relieve the anxiety these thoughts bring. Another common thread in OCD is that suffers often know just how ridiculous their fears are. Most suffers know that the strangers hand is not coated with the Ebola Virus, that the bump they felt was a pothole and not a pedestrian, and that they would never even dream of acting on the inappropriate images that flood their minds. Yet the anxiety persists. Similarly, those suffering from ROCD may know that their partners flaws are insignificant (or even endearing), that it is ok to enjoy leisure time alone, and that their feelings of love are present and genuine. Still, the doubts refuse to abate.
Because the doubts that ROCD elicits cause sufferers to place their thoughts, behaviors, and feelings under the microscope, the disorder can set up something of a feedback loop. Because we doubt our feelings, we examine them closely to see if they are real. Feelings such as love and affection are natural, automatic feelings, however, and looking for them purposely is almost guaranteed to snuff them out. Thus, our search will almost always be in vain, thus feeding our doubts and intensifying our self-defeating search. Further, such self-scrutiny tends to be spurred on by anxiety, and anxiety tends to overshadow any positive feelings that might otherwise be present. In other words, it's very hard to feel warm and affectionate while you're busy being anxious about whether you're feeling warm and affectionate.
I hope this post conveyed the essence of ROCD, at least enough so that we can all be on the same page when we talk about the disorder. In summary, ROCD is a flavor of OCD in which one doubts the reality of one's love for another. This doubt causes one to constantly evaluate romantic moments, expressions of love, and even time apart to determine if these events elicit the proper and expected emotions. This scrutiny tend to snuff out normally naturally feelings like love and affection, and thus the search for confirmation actually increases our doubt.
